Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
