I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
