i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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