I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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