I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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