You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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