he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
