So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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