I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
