After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
