haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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