That's when you crack a 10am beer
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
