I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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