Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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