I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My breasts were aching with rage.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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