I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
