someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
