My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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