New low: just hacked my moms facebook
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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