How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
zippers are such a cool invention
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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