I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
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