Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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