I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
