Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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