Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
