got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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