if i can run in heels then i can drive
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
