So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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