Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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