he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
