The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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