Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
