boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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