It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize