Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
