he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
