i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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