hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
