So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
