Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
