why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
