im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
