I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize