apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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