ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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