I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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