i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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