her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
