how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
