I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
