theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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