Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize