i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize