idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
