If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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