I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize