I wish my penis had an off switch
...so i touched it.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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