it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You dont lie about slip and slides
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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