think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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