I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
