Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize