Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
