Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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