sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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