Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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