She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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