Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just google imaged poop.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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