I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
