I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
